"Out of difficulties grow miracles."
~ Jean de la Bruyere
Resilience is the art of bouncing back from adversity, and it often emerges from the broken pieces of our experiences. As we face challenges, we develop the ability to adapt, to learn and to grow. Just as a mosaic is made beautiful by its varied and imperfect pieces, our lives gain richness through the diversity of our experiences. Imperfection is not a flaw but a testament to the unique and intricate nature of our existence.
Holidays can be a time of almost unbearable challenges when we have a loved one living with dementia. It's easy for Caregivers to get lost in what we're missing, lost in "If only" and "How do I help my Mom/Dad navigate this time ..." We can feel broken and our good intentions fall far from the ideal. We tend to focus on what is not there ... who is not there.
As a Caregiver it is essential to set realistic expectations for yourself during the holidays. Understand that you may not be able to do everything, and that's okay. Prioritize tasks and focus on what truly matters. Amidst the hustle and bustle, carve out time for yourself, engage in activities that give you joy and relaxation. Go ahead and dive into that warm, chocolatey, creamy hot chocolate topped with a mountain of whipped cream! As guilty as it may feel, you must take care of your physical, mental and emotional well-being first, before you will be able to help your loved one. Kindness must start with you.
"I have woven a parachute out of everything broken. My scars are my shield."
~ William Stafford
Life is a series of unpredictable events, some joyous and others painful. The metaphor of weaving a parachute out of broken elements suggests that, even in the face of adversity, we have the power to fashion something that can carry us through challenges. Every setback, every broken thread, contributes to the creation of a parachute that allows us to navigate the uncertainties of life with grace and resilience. Scars are not just reminders of wounds; they are testimonials to healing, survival and growth. Instead of concealing our scars, we can wear them proudly as a shield. Each scar tells a story of overcoming, of enduring and of emerging stronger.
In the tapestry of life there are moments of fracturing, shattering and chaos. Yet within the fragments lies the potential and promise of transformation. We wish you a warm and peaceful Holiday Season.
With Love,
Tim's Place
November/December 2023
"Gratitude turns what we have into enough and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity ... it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." ~ Melody Beattie
Have you ever had something so precious that you wanted to hold it and keep it forever? A prize that would stand the test of time, not show wear or tear, grime or dust. If we just hold it tight enough ... if we keep it separate and all to ourselves, it will always be perfect.
I think sometimes we unknowingly want to hold "our people" like that. We want them to always be the same person we know, we are comfortable with the way they are. They might not be perfect, but they are "them" to our "us".
I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I'm trying to make some changes in my life. I want to approach the next phase differently than I have in the past. Initially, I was assured that I was fine the way I was - why would I need to change? However, since I am still able to communicate, explain my reasoning, I was able to persuade my loved ones that the changes are good, necessary, and worth the adjustment we would all have to make. I was able to show a gratitude for my past, make peace with today and declare a vision for my tomorrow.
I have a choice to change, but those living with dementia did not choose their changes. They did not create a vision for their future. They are not able to understand the reasoning of the change, and would probably say it is not worth the adjustment they have to make.
This means it is up to us, their people, to make today enough, to guide chaos into order, confusion into clarity, by accepting the new person slowly replacing our precious loved one. We do this by expressing gratitude, even when it's hard, even when the only piece of gratitude is the tiniest glimmer. Gratitude helps us accept our reality with the impact dementia has on everyone involved. Our acceptance will create peace, not only for us, but for our loved one. Acceptance of who we are is the strongest form of love and the evidence of gratitude from those in our lives.
If we open our hearts, we can, and will, find gratitude in every day to celebrate every person who needs us to be grateful for their existence in our lives.
With Love,
Tim's Place Sequim
October 2023
“To love a person is to learn the song in their heart and sing it to them when they have forgotten.”
~ Arne Garborga
My son recently posted on social media a line from a song – “I left you there … I left me there, too”.
This resonated with me on a very deep level after the last year. My Mother-in-Law was diagnosed with early dementia, and it became evident she was not safe to live alone.
The role of becoming a caretaker for family members is not one most of us are prepared to take on. It is more difficult for us to become the safety net for those who have traditionally taken care of us, than to give care to a stranger. The same is true of accepting needed care – if I don’t know you, don’t have a history with you, it is easier to accept help.
In the early stages of the disease, those diagnosed with dementia have a memory that flickers – some days they remember most if not everything, other days it is difficult to grab onto the memory, the thought that is … just right there, but so elusive. Loved ones are often confused by this on again off again experience. It makes you second guess the diagnosis, the care path you’ve chosen for your loved one, and extends the highs of hope then crushing pain of reality. Repeatedly. Those with dementia seem to know how we are feeling; even if they don’t understand why, it is easy for them to feel our unexpressed disappointment. They take it personally; not understanding it’s the disease, not the person, that is frustrating us.
This leads me full circle back to how I started. Our loved ones with dementia leave us there in their memory, not in the present. But they also leave themselves there in their memories. As the disease progresses, those memories, those “leavings”, become further and further from where we are today.
How do we keep the fragile thread of connection to this person who means so much? It requires creating a new relationship – not just once, but probably over and over as the disease progresses. We need to honor not only who they were, but who they are and meet them where they need, not where we want.
Connect instead of correct – don’t take it personally if your loved one doesn’t remember you, your kids, or where you fit in with their lives. Introduce yourself with clues – "Hi Mom, I’m Cindy, your oldest daughter". Reminisce rather than ask if they remember a person, place or event – use I statements – "I remember the time we all went to the lake".
Focus on the things the person living with dementia can do instead of what they can’t. Celebrate rather than commiserate.
Do things with the person instead of for them. Monitor to make sure you are helping enough, but not leaving them feeling left out and unseen.
They may have left us in their memory loss, but they’ve also left part of themselves, too. Be kind, be loving, celebrate and enjoy the person in front of you.
~Ruth Kaminski August 2023
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."
~ Leo Busscaglia
June is designated as Alzheimer's & Brain Awareness Month, sponsored by the Alzheimer's Association. This month, in 2023, is when we learned that Former First Lady Rosalynn Carter had been diagnosed with dementia. Mrs. Carter had been a long time advocate for Mental Health Issues and worked tirelessly to decrease the stigma attached to mental illness and to recognize and support the caregivers who support individuals living with dementia.
The First Lady said she felt there are only four kinds of people in the world, those who HAVE been Caregivers, those who currently ARE Caregivers, those who WILL be Caregivers and those who will NEED Caregivers. One in 10 Americans over the age of 60 are living with Alzheimer's or another form of dementia. In 2020 The Alzheimer's Association estimated there are 53 million unpaid caregivers in America, 26% of them are caring for family or friends with Alzheimer's or dementia.
Despite the overwhelming need, there are few resources for those diagnosed with dementia and even fewer opportunities for their Caregivers. Being a Caregiver of a loved one with memory loss can be compared to navigating an unknown room in complete darkness. The nature of the disease is a constantly shifting landscape of symptoms and behaviors that are confusing, frightening, and constantly progressing.
Quite often caregivers experience ambiguous loss as they watch a loved one change and slip away from the person they've known, and may even take on a personality that is opposite of who they "were". This is also called Anticipatory Grief - you are losing someone, piece by piece, and the process can take years with no end in sight. It's easy for caregivers to become isolated, depressed, and to not practice self-care.
Respite for a few hours a week to recharge their batteries, to have an opportunity to relax, take a nap, visit with friends, exercise, or run errands without having to worry about their loved one is how Tim's Place offers support for these amazing folks. The particpants of Tim's Place engage with trained staff and volunteers in cognitive and physical activities in a person-centered, dementia-care environment. Socialization and acceptance becomes very difficult for a person living with memory loss or dementia, but at Tim's Place we honor the person they were AND the person they ARE.
We are a Non-Profit organization fueled by donations and volunteers. Please consider contacting us to donate funds, needed items/equipment, or to volunteer your time and talents. We hope you share our passion to support and care for those with dementia and their caregivers by spreading the word of Tim's Place website and Facebook Page.
~Ruth Kaminski
Tim's Place June 2023
"We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."
~ George Bernard Shaw
Have you ever noticed how a young child laughing can make even the most stoic person smile? Playfulness is something that we all recognize and is the expression of our humanity. It is hope. It is an infinite possibility. It is a pure expression of joy. Fun is how our brains most easily learn and retain information.
This is especially true for those who are experiencing dementia. At Tim’s Place we use the Art of Play to stimulate the “muscle memory” of joy. As our participants relax into the activity, memories and stories come bubbling up to share. Too often society focuses on their disease, not the amazing individuals who have led fascinating lives. Through play we can see their true self shine.
"Play is the exultation of the possible."
~ Martin Buber
Play is just as important for our volunteers, who often are caregivers. Dementia can rob not only the patient, but those who love them, of the ability to see that life still has so much joy to offer. We get bogged down in the day-to-day repetition of too much to do and too many things we MUST take care of! It’s hard to connect in a meaningful way when all we feel is responsibility. In creative fun and laughter, we are all on even ground.
We hope that if you have a loved one experiencing a journey into dementia you will bring them to experience Tim’s Place Sequim.
If you are interested in being a part of a joyful, rewarding community, please contact us regarding opportunities to volunteer!
May 2023 Tim’s Place Sequim WA